Desirability

I have learned to be my own friend. We spend a lot of time together. We learn new things and go to new places. We try not to criticize each other too much. And we get the dry sense of humor...

I say WE because I spent most of my life in my head atop a body that was so disassociated from feelings that I had to learn the names of feelings and emerging emotions as an adult, in therapy, after being depressed for years. One of the exercises my therapist had me try was to think of myself as a whole other person who was my best friend. I learned to treat myself better, give my self a break now and then. I learned that I deserved certain things, but most of all, I now believe that I am lovable the way I am.

Now this poses two main problems for me:

1.) I don't love being 230 pounds. In fact, I would love being 130 pounds! Even 150 or 160! But I don't like the way I feel at 200+ pounds.

2.) The one thing I haven't been able to figure out for myself is how to know if I'm desirable. It's not like I can lean over and kiss myself.

I sure it's a result of romantic movies and TV shows, but there is something about the tension, anticipation, and fantasizing about a first kiss with someone you find attractive. Maybe I'm not supposed to wonder about that after being married for so long but I figure that my marriage is lacking in that particular aspect of reinforcement. I find thinking about kissing someone else is much more pleasant than actually kissing my husband.

Not much chance that I'll get an opportunity soon. I weigh 230 pounds, for Christssakes!