This is one of those times that I have to resist the overpowering urge to throw a hissy-fit and eat crap. I weighed myself this morning and lost four pounds. Not bad for a week, but as first weeks go, I'm disappointed. I used to be able to lose ten percent of what I wanted to lose in the first week. That would mean, this week I would have lost seven pounds. Hasn't been that way since I had my thyroid removed to treat cancer.
I was diagnosed with follicular AND papillary thyroid cancer in April of 2005. I went through the protocol of treatment with radioactive iodine after my thyroid was removed as was current at the time. The two surgeries, the iodine treatment, and follow-up scans took a whole summer. I was foggy, lethargic, and soggy. In theory, you are waiting for your body to begin kidney failure so that treatment with the iodine will be effective. It was VERY effective. Recovery is a slooooooowwwww process.
There are only a few ways that I have physically changed in the last four years. I take thyroid supplements, two of them, every day and will take them every day for the rest of my life. I am heavier than ever before. Thyroid cancer has the unique characteristic of causing weigh GAIN rather than weight loss! I have a scar on my neck and one on my chest as a result of the surgery. My voice is different and tires easily when I sing. The scar tissue in my throat makes it difficult to swallow with my head back as when drinking from a can or bottle. And my chiropractor has to adjust my cricoid cartilage on a regular basis so that my tongue stays in my mouth and doesn't get dragged down my throat. I had a summer off. I got treatment. My insurance paid for it. And I went back to work. Physically.
Mentally, however, I am somewhat confused that I rarely think about having cancer. Did I "get through it" or am I in denial. Thyroid cancer is the white trash of cancer. It is slow-growing, easily removed in the early stages, with a good prognosis. You keep your hair and you don't throw up during treatment. Many people have had it and live mostly normal lives. Even before I was diagnosed I was being treated by an endocrinologist because I had a goiter. Went through all the tests. No sign of cancer. Tolerated the meds, appointments, and froggy voice until the lesion reached 30 millimeters and I was chronically hoarse. Then I allowed the surgery for biopsy. The surgery went well and my surgeon left the left half of my gland in me because the right portion that he removed didn't look cancerous to the naked eye. The lump/gland combo was the size of a lemon. I breathed and swallowed much better without that in my neck.
No one was more surprised than my surgeon when the biopsy came back with a cancer diagnosis. I went out and bought the Thyroid for Dummies book and did my research. I made some decisions. I got two more opinions confirming the diagnosis--one from THE top Thyroid specialist in the military and the other from a woman who writes text books on endocrinology. They both said the same exact thing as my initial biopsy. So I have no regrets on having the second surgery to remove the rest of my thyroid.
What I do have are short-term memory issues that are probably enhanced by my age and hormones. I am not depressed, but I don't seem to be very motivated or focused. I kind of give myself a break on the self-discipline so I am out of shape and fat. I try to take my vitamins regularly but sometimes they are victim to my resentment about having to take pills every day.
Emotionally, I am not changed or improved by having lived through cancer. In April or July of 2010, I will be "cured"--I'm not even sure if you go by the date the lump was removed or the post-treatment scan that determined that treatment had been successful. I don't see sunsets or flowers any differently than I did in 2002 or 1990. I don't greet each day like it is my last. I've been depressed multiple times in my life and my cycles of depression have been shorter and shorter. I don't feel like I was depressed by my diagnosis, I handled it as I handled getting married, graduating from college, having a baby, and buying a house: I did my research, asked questions, and made the best decisions I could make for myself. What was different about this "event" was that I shared my story with many people before, during, and after treatment. I had never been quite that open on a large scale. I e-mailed almost two-hundred people and received lots of love and support in return. I highly recommend sharing.
So, it's four-plus years post-op, and I am still fat. I can't blame my surgeon, endocrinologist, or chiropractor. I've got to stop making excuses and lose the weight. I know I can make good decisions. I do it all the time...
Like blogging.
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