Other Blogs

I read other blogs. Weight-losing blogs, alternate lifestyle blogs, and some that I don't even understand how I found blogs. Some have many followers. Some have lurkers, like me, who read but don't post anything. Some have video posts where the blogger talks to you or performs their special talent. I tend to read many in an extended period instead of a little of all each day.

I am currently following two blogs: Ex Hot Girl, and Does Every Woman Have an Eating Disorder? They are both about eating, losing weight, and body image but they are different in their tone. EHG is lighthearted, confident, and full of energy while DEWHaED? is more negative and often requests that people reply to specific topics for research purposes.

I write my posts as if someone out there will be reading them. I haven't told anyone yet that I'm blogging...but maybe I have a lurking visitor...

Third day. One meal in a restaurant. Third low-carb day. Good Night.

One Day Down; a Bazillion to go...

I ate low-carb yesterday. I was almost easy since my lower back was killing me and my chiropractor told me to lay down on my back with my knees bent. It feels mostly better today but it is still tight.

Day two. Usually a harder day. Good thing is that I don't have to go out to eat with anyone. That'll be tomorrow--twice--breakfast and lunch.

I have to remember that I'm loosing weight for me. Because I feel more energized, less fatigued, less victimized by my hormone fluctuations. My memory is better and my skin is clearer, too. Only good things. So what exactly is my fu*%$^& problem?

I think that food is my friend / reward / consolation prize. It is certainly easier to eat what ever you feel like when ever you feel like it. But few people can get away with that, and it is not very healthy. I think my struggle is about exercise.

In the past, I have lost weight because I was moving. The gym, walking every morning, working many hours. I wasn't necessarily happier with my life, I was working a plan. As soon as the plan plays out and I get really close to my goal weight, I get sloppy. And put on weight.

Maybe my weight is not what will make me happy. Maybe there are many other elements that I'm not dealing with that will make me a more satisfied person.

Or, maybe not. Maybe I am just really sensitive to carbohydrates and I have to be diligent. Every day. For ever.

Ugh.

New Month. First Monday.

How many people will be starting a diet today? The first Monday of the new year...

I have to start exercising. Exercising makes me feel awake, energized, tight, and sexy. So why can't I stick with it?

New Year. New Start.

Happy New Year!

It has been very difficult to find the motivation (also referred to as 'umf') to do almost everything. The smaller my world gets, the bigger my ass gets. I've been able to compensate for my lack of responsibility by using technology for things like maintaining a calendar and automatically paying bills. But I am seriously stuck.

I wanted to write here today to start fresh. It's not that I don't know I'm a lump. It's just that I seem unable to do anything about it at this time. So a small step in the right direction. I posted.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Desirability

I have learned to be my own friend. We spend a lot of time together. We learn new things and go to new places. We try not to criticize each other too much. And we get the dry sense of humor...

I say WE because I spent most of my life in my head atop a body that was so disassociated from feelings that I had to learn the names of feelings and emerging emotions as an adult, in therapy, after being depressed for years. One of the exercises my therapist had me try was to think of myself as a whole other person who was my best friend. I learned to treat myself better, give my self a break now and then. I learned that I deserved certain things, but most of all, I now believe that I am lovable the way I am.

Now this poses two main problems for me:

1.) I don't love being 230 pounds. In fact, I would love being 130 pounds! Even 150 or 160! But I don't like the way I feel at 200+ pounds.

2.) The one thing I haven't been able to figure out for myself is how to know if I'm desirable. It's not like I can lean over and kiss myself.

I sure it's a result of romantic movies and TV shows, but there is something about the tension, anticipation, and fantasizing about a first kiss with someone you find attractive. Maybe I'm not supposed to wonder about that after being married for so long but I figure that my marriage is lacking in that particular aspect of reinforcement. I find thinking about kissing someone else is much more pleasant than actually kissing my husband.

Not much chance that I'll get an opportunity soon. I weigh 230 pounds, for Christssakes!

Going Under

I re-read yesterday's post. Very scattered. ?...

I spent some time looking at other people's blogs yesterday. I am now following two other weight-related bloggers. Right now I am more interested in them than me.

I also learned that I can change the time that my post will be posted. Not very useful...not for any reason I can think of, anyway.

Yesterday was a good day. Walked. Took all of my pills including the new herbal supplement. Drank water. Didn't have sugar. Had some carbs. Slept well when I wasn't coughing from the post-nasal drip.

Walked again today. We walked around a path in a beautiful park for forty minutes or so. All of the walkers greet each other pleasantly. The dogs are thrilled to be there. It's a peaceful way to start the day.

The piles are forming in my house again. My kid is maxed-out by the demands of school and my husband has some projects going on that seem to require more stuff. Well, there's not enough room for the old stuff. Now the new stuff is accumulating. AAAaaarghhhhhh! They don't see it all day. I need a job!

Weigh In: Week Three

I'm back where I started...230 pounds...not my birth-weight of 8 pounds, 14 ounces.

Thursday, I went to the gynecologist and immediately afterwards my period started. I have been feeling horrible on a somewhat regular cycle so I have been blowing it off as HORMONES. But I did get up on Friday and walked with a friend. Then it was the weekend and my husband was home by Saturday afternoon and then I go into dissociative mode. I'm there. I make eye contact.

I interact with people. I just don't feel anything.

Monday morning. I walked again. I started a supplement that is supposed to aid in weight loss and boost my metabolism. I will eat breakfast and take my vitamins. I'm even blogging. It's quiet here. One of the cats is keeping me company and not by sleeping on the keyboard as usual.

I have work to do...pay bills, start dinner, that kind of stuff. So I better get to it.